Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
and she was petting her beer can
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
