When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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