Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he puts the penis in happiness.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
