Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
