I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
