Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
