i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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