apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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