I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
