it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
