Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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