yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
