you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
