Where is the hickey?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
