Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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