I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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