just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Randomize
