Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
