is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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