I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The Olympian is in my bed
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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