So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
