So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
