btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
