just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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