The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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