Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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