My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
