woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
