Umm I'm too high to move.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We just shotgunned beers for America
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
