One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
