Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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