my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
