It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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