You smell like a Billy Joel song
Acid is not a monday night drug
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
