I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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