Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
