You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
