I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
