when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
