The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
