Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
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