I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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