need another drink. this is the easiest way
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
