so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
