I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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