I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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