I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
