she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
