It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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