You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think im going to throw up on grandma
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
