could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
