oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I am one with the molecules
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
