Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
