Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
