I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
