I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
FUCK WHALES
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
