I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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