I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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