At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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